Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
