Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize