Someone shit on the floor
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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