best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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