While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
