you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
