I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
