My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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