My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
