I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
