My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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