If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
