my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
