Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
