So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
