How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He better not be in your backpack
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
