i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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