im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
