May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
