Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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