Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
