then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
