Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
