i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
