we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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