Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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