I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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