i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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