I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
