my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
