You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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