if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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