I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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