you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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