My cat gives me a boner
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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