Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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