my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
