So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
