I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
