God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
