I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
