DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
