I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
