my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
