Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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