u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
