Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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