If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
