I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
