it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
