Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
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I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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