this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
