Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
