its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
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He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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