Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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