new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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