My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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